The week in Tory…Parts I & II

Part I: pop on the galoshes of despair, and let’s wade into The Week In Tory ! Warning! Contains strong language… and how could it not?

1. Remember that time, ages ago, when Boris Johnson was found to be a liar, ditched by his party in a 354 to 7 vote, humiliated in front of the entire world, and literally barred from Westminster?

2. No reason for mentioning that; it just alleviates the doomscrolling.

3. Johnson quit rather than face voters’ first preference: yeeting him into the f*cking sun.

4. Instead he was yeeted into the Daily Mail, where for £1m he produced what looked like an infomercial for diet pills generated by Kazakhstan’s third most promising challenger to ChatGPT 

5. By taking the Daily Mail gig, the half-Yeti, half-tribunal-magnet was immediately found to be in “clear breach” of ministerial rules, just 24 hours after he’d been forced to quit as an MP for breaking the rules of his previous job 

6. Bob Seely denied he’d ever called the Privileges Committee “a kangaroo court”.

7. He was filmed calling it “a kangaroo court” three days earlier.

8. Exuberantly gormless flapdoodle Nadine Dorries still hasn’t worked out how to do the instant resignation she promised two weeks ago.

9. Johnson, an ethical black hole barrelling across the political universe in search of acquisitive havoc, gave a life peerage to Charlotte Owen, a 29-year-old blonde, widely rumoured to either be his secret daughter or his secret lover.

10. It was discovered this week that Owen’s contribution to public life had boiled down to “providing maternity cover leave”, and acting as a “part-time executive assistant”.

11. She also claimed to have worked in George Osborne’s constituency office for one whole month. 

12. People who actually worked in Osborne’s constituency office said this isn’t the case – she’d never been there.

13. After the revelations, Charlotte Owen’s spokesman – how many 29-year-old interns get a spokesman? – her spokesman said he “no longer speaks for her”. 

14. A Tory source called the peerage “impossible to defend – she was just incredibly junior”

15. Another Tory MP said “diehards still think [Johnson] is the best electoral asset we have ever had” but in reality “that person was Jeremy Corbyn”.

16. Meanwhile a whistleblower from No 10 said because Johnson refused to wear a mask, his staff were told there was “no point” them wearing masks either.

17. As a result they were “ill all the time”, preventing Number 10 from operating properly during the pandemic.

18. Another PartyGate video emerged, causing resigned-in-disgrace-then-ennobled Shaun Bailey to say it made him “very upset” as he had “never seen it before”.

19. Reports said Bailey had been at the party where the video was taken 

20. Johnson’s emotional support turbot, Michael Gove, said the parties were “terrible” and “indefensible”, which must be why he immediately rushed out to [checks notes] abstain on the vote suspending Johnson from parliament. 

21. He was joined in doing nothing at all about Johnson’s constant lies to parliament by Incredible Shrinking Man – Rishi Sunak.

22. In total, 225 Tory MPs, including most of the Cabinet, abstained from voting on whether Johnson’s lies mattered. 

23. The only cabinet member to attend the Partygate debate was Penny Mordaunt, a sign-spinner outside Poundland on Battlestar Galactica, whose job meant she wasn’t allowed to stay away. 

24. Three days later, James Cleverley – who isn’t – said he “couldn’t remember” what had kept him away from the Privileges vote.

25. He’d been keynote speaker at a drinks event, and as he was going into the party the media had asked him why he was there instead of voting.

26. Off to the Covid Inquiry, where the government refused to hand over Johnson’s notebooks, citing “security concerns”

27. But Johnson’s spokesman said the government “is in the process of returning the notebooks to him, so they can’t be very concerned about their contents”.

28. The Inquiry heard at least 18 vitally important areas of pandemic planning had been stopped so the government could plan for whatever emerged from that day’s sweaty fumble inside the Brexit Policy Tombola.

29. And those plans were for a Brexit policy that was scrapped anyway.

30. A top official at the Cabinet Office gave evidence that during Covid, the nation’s need for PPE, the collapse of the UK economy, and financial support for businesses and citizens had “not been considered in any meaningful way”.

31. And poor people, especially in the North, suffered worse during Covid due to Tory cuts to health services.

32. But futile, complacent, glistening human butterbean David Cameron denied austerity had any effect on anything whatsoever, which kinda makes me wonder why he did it. 

33. Meanwhile, a report found half a trillion of underinvestment by government in the last decade has “left Britain’s economy trapped in a doom loop”.

34. So Cameron changed the subject, and said gay marriage legislation was his proudest achievement. 

35. The same-sex marriage act was a LibDem policy, forced on Cameron by the coalition agreement.

36. And although 117 Tories voted for gay marriage, 127 voted against. So it happened DESPITE the Tories, not because of them. 

37. Steve Barclay, a man so lacking in personality that he failed his Myers-Briggs test, was reported to have delayed the vaccine programme because he wondered if it was “good value for money” to save the lives of you and your family. 

38. A senior member of the vaccine programme said: “[Barclay] was a total dick, a total control freak, but also not very good at it”.

39. So naturally, Sunak promoted him. 

40. To celebrate the 75th anniversary of Windrush, the government disbanded the unit tasked with Home Office reform after the Windrush scandal.

41. Immediately following that scandal, the Tories promised 30 key reforms.

42. Only 8 of them have been implemented. 

43. Only 1 in every 4 Windrush claimants have yet received a penny in compensation.

44. It is 7 years since the Windrush scandal.

45. So this week Suella Braverman – aka Joseph Gerbils – scrapped a post-Windrush commitment for more independent scrutiny of immigration policies. 

46. Despite record asylum claim backlogs, Braverman – aka Heinrich Hamster – told her staff to stop making asylum decisions so they could retrain to implement a new policy wheeze she’s dreamed up, which isn’t even legal yet, and experts say may never be legal.

47. Meanwhile we discovered her previous wheeze – the Rwanda policy – will cost £169,000 per person, but she says it will be “worth it to deter illegal migration”.

48. Except the government admitted the Rwanda policy probably won’t deter illegal migration. 

49. And an independent, cross-party House of Commons report said the govt’s “stop small boats” policy is “harmful, impractical and costly”.

50. So obviously, the Home Office also admitted the policy might not stop small boats. Hey, at least they’re consistent. 

51. The government awarded – without competition – £1.6bn to a firm providing 3 barges to store 500 immigrants each.

52. That’s just for two years.

53. So to cut the cost of keeping asylum applicants in hotels, we are spending £533,000 per person, simply to make migrants more miserable. 

54. And the government’s deliberate policy means we still can’t process their applications.

55. Even hardcore anti-immigration Brexiteer backbench dementor Richard Drax (full name: Richard Grosvenor Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax) called the costs “alarmingly high”. 

56. I’m not sure who this performative cruelty is meant to impress: despite years of toxic, divisive, life-threatening rhetoric, a poll found UK was still the country with the most positive attitude to refugees. Give yourselves a high-five. No, not you, Nigel. 

57. Economics news: and 13 years into their plan to cut state debt, our state debt has risen from 64 per cent of GDP in Labour’s last year in office, to 100 per cent of GDP today.

58. As wages shrink, Helen Whately promised the govt would abide by the findings of pay review bodies. 

59. Same day: a cabinet minister told The Times the government probably wouldn’t abide by the findings of pay review bodies.

60. The OECD reported the UK now has the worst pensions in the developed world – 29 per cent of average earnings, compared with 100.6 per cent in the Netherlands.

61. Due to the ongoing Conservative Economic Miracle™, we also have the worst inflation in Europe.

62. And the highest interest rates in Europe.

63. And the highest Covid mortalities in Europe.

64. And the lowest number of doctors per capita in Europe.

65. So Tory MPs briefed that the inflation crisis was all the fault of the Bank of England, and not the government.

66. Two weeks ago, Sunak had said on live TV that if inflation didn’t reduce by half, “It’s on me personally. I’m the PM” 

67. So Jeremy C/Hunt rushed into inaction, forcing the banks to agree a “grace period” for people unable to pay their mortgages, which is something the banks already do, and have done for years.

68. The Mortgage Broker’s Association called it “water pistol to put out a fire”.

69. As vast leaps in inflation and interest rates took a 25 per cent bite out of anybody paying a mortgage, Sunak, who is worth around £650 million, told us to “tough it out”.

70. The ex-head of the Bank of England said Brexit – which Sunak backed – is to blame for our world-beating inflation. 

71. And in September, yet more Brexit import checks will be added, which will push food prices higher still.

72. So the Tories began charging reporters £125 each to merely attend the Conservative Party conference, seemingly in the hope nobody would turn up with a mic and questions. 

73. Obviously “reporters” – and I’m using that word very much in air quotes – from GB News, the Daily Mail and the Telegraph are exempt from the charge. 

74. John Redwood, a congenitally wrong Vulcan dolt (and “the nastiest man in politics” according to the woman who married him), told Question Time he’d never suggested we’d get a free trade deal with the USA. 

75. Oh really, Redwood? “The US/UK Agreement could become a template for other deals worldwide” – John Redwood, 29 April, 2020.

76. Kemi Badenoch launched an Ofsted investigation into a school because she fell for a widely-debunked story about a child pretending to be a cat.

77. Bob Stewart, already facing criminal charges over an alleged “racially aggravated incident”, was found to have hidden his directorship of an Azerbaijani defence company, while he was a sitting member of the House of Commons defence committee. 

78. HS2 was “paused” to save money, even though a report said the pause would increase costs by £366m.

79. A Tory mayor went to a LGBTQ+ event, then wrote that he had “repented” for his attendance, and then resigned because he’d apologised for accidentally doing a decent thing. 

80. And Daniel Korski, the Tory candidate for London mayor, was accused of sexually assaulting a TV producer.

81. Sunak said NHS waiting lists are coming down, and then 83 seconds later in the same interview, Sunak said NHS waiting lists are not coming down. 

82. And finally, slack-brained, quasi-sentient teaspoon Matt Hancock was found to have used taxpayer’s money to pay a parking fine given to the removal company that was shifting him out of the family home.


I did my last #TheWeekInTory at lunchtime on Tuesday. So this is just what’s happened since then.

Pick your jaw up, Mabel: there’s nothing surprising about this level of mayhem anymore.

1. The Tory’s London mayoral candidate, Daniel Korski, was accused of groping a TV producer’s breasts inside Downing Street.

2. Korski insisted he would definitely not be pulling out of the race under any circumstances.

3. Korski pulled out of the race the next day. 

4. No 10 said they would not investigate Korski, because there’d been no official complaint.

5. An official complaint was made 7 years ago, and ignored.

6. Several other women have since come forward with “very interesting stories” about Korski’s (allegedly) roaming hands.

7. More respect for women, as Etch-a-Sketch thundercunt Brendan Clarke-Smith, a shite in sheep’s clothing, tweeted abuse at a woman who was simply thanking the Samaritans for helping her during a mental health crisis 

8. We flushed and flushed and flushed, but Clarke-Smith popped back up again, this time smeared like a dirty protest all over the parliamentary report that found an “unprecedented and coordinated” campaign to undermine democracy over Johnson’s Partygate lies.

9. Clark-Smith tweeted that he was “shocked and disappointed” that anyone could think he’d undermined the legitimacy of the committee.

10. On 9 June he called the committee “a parliamentary witch-hunt which would put a banana republic to shame”. 

11. And on 15 June, he called it a “kangaroo court … spiteful, vindictive and overreaching”.

12. And on the day of the vote, he put on a kangaroo tie and refused to vote in parliament. So … case closed, I think?

13. Also criticised for contemptuously undermining parliament: 

a. Nadine Dorries, trapped forever at Lambrini o’clock;

b. Priti Patel, the larval form of Miss Trunchbull;

c. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the unholy and harrowing result of a Dalek having hate-sex with a pendulum;

d. A furious, irradiated lemon called Andrea Jenkyns; 

e. Follicular fire hazard Michael Fabricant;

f. A bewitched thumb with its own Twitter account, Mark Jenkinson;

g. And Zac Goldsmith, who was told to apologise for undermining parliament, but resigned instead of facing consequences, just like Wank-Yeti Boris Johnson did. 

14. Goldsmith hasn’t properly resigned, of course. A bit like Nadine. He’s still a Lord. But he resigned in a way that lets him keep all the money and privilege.

15. He claimed he hadn’t quit because of Partygate, but because of how much he loves the environment. 

16. He’d been fine with millions of gallons of raw sewage for ages, but suddenly, the environment mattered.

17. Andrea Leadsom, a waxwork Thatcher that’s spent too long leaning against a radiator, said it was “Flat wrong” that Sunak had done nothing to help the environment. 

18. Sadly for Leadsom, the previous day the govt’s own advisors said the Tories have “missed climate targets on almost every front”, and its signature policy of greenlighting new oil and gas fields in the North Sea is “utterly unacceptable”. 

19. Breaking news (that actually broke 5 years ago, but TV news has only just noticed): and when he was Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson shook off his protection team so he could secretly attend an “anything goes” party at the palace of a former KGB agent .

20. Johnson then put that agent’s son – Evgeny Lebedev – into the House of Lords.

21. This was despite the House of Lords Appointment Committee (Holac) saying Lebedev shouldn’t get a peerage on national security grounds.

22. MI6 also sent 2 agents to visit Johnson in person, and beg him not to do it.

23. Italy’s secret services were also watching Lebedev, and warned Britain of the security dangers.

24. And The Queen was even asked to intervene. 

25. Despite all this, Johnson overruled MI6 and Holac, and created Baron Lebedev of Siberia. For life.

26. Oh, and Fat Malfoy’s new job at the Daily Mail is an “unambiguous breach” of the rules, cos he failed to get permission from the ministerial appointments watchdog .

27. Immigration update: the 2019 Tory manifesto promises to “continue to grant asylum and support to refugees fleeing persecution, with the ultimate aim of helping them to return home if it is safe to do so”.

28. So naturally, the Tories now fiercely oppose that policy.

29. This week, every wheel came off the Rwanda plan, including some wheels we didn’t even know it had.

30. First the government admitted the policy – which is designed to be a deterrent – won’t actually be a deterrent.

31. Then they admitted it’ll cost almost £170,000 per person. 

32. Then the bill was torn to pieces by a House of Lords that had only just been packed with hand-picked amoral idiots who were supposed to support this nonsense.

33. And then the entire policy was ruled illegal in the Royal Court of Justice. 

34. Incredible shrinking man Rishi Sunak said “I respect the court”.

35. Suella Braverman, at a loss without the lion and the wardrobe, said she didn’t respect the court because it was “rigged against the British people”.

36. Her actual job is upholding the legal system. 

37. She went on to suggest courts should be abolished or ignored because “the majority of the British people” demand a Rwanda policy.

38. On Question Time, not a single person in the Conservative majority audience supported the Rwanda policy. 

39. Simon Clark, a mouse-fart made flesh, said we now have to ditch Human Rights Act to save the Conservative Party. Not the country or its people. They and their fundamental rights don’t matter. The Conservative Party is all that matters.. 

40. Anyway: prime minister Rishi Sunak is still battling to overcome the legacy of chancellor Rishi Sunak, and said the following were his priorities:.

a. Stop Small Boats (judged illegal);

b. Half inflation (it’s grown to highest in G7);

c. Grow the economy (the economy shrank);

d. Cut state debt (it’s grown to 100% of GDP, highest for 62 years);

e. Cut NHS waiting times (they’ve grown to a record 7m);

41. That’s how well his *priorities* are going. Percival Q Christ, just imagine the state of everything else. 

42. To cut waiting times, Sunak announced £480bn to employ 300,000 NHS workers.

43. That’s only enough money to pay 10,000 NHS workers.

44. Sunak said he “believes in transparency” and has “nothing to hide” from the public. 

45. Since becoming PM, he’s blocked a record number of Freedom of Information requests.

46. With his trademark competence, this didn’t stop the news leaking that Sunak had been given free, undeclared use of a helicopter by a Tory donor who received £135m in Covid contracts. 

47. And now transparent Sunak is going to court to block the Covid inquiry from accessing govt WhatsApp messages.

48. As if that’s not enough transparency, it turns out Sunak has also been writing and signing official documents with erasable ink for years. 

49. Sunak claimed the Home Office is “on track” to clear the asylum backlog by January.

50. It doesn’t bode well: to clear the backlog by Jan, they’ll have to process an application every 4 minutes.

51. The average current processing period is 157 days .

52. And of 1280 officials doing this work, only 140 are qualified.

53. A decade after startled halibut Michael Gove scrapped the school building and repairs programme, this week he was shocked to discover our dilapidated school haven’t got better all on their own. 

54. 600 schools were found to be on the point of collapse and in “critical condition”, with the death or injury of your kids now being judged “very likely”.

55. The cost of school repairs is now estimated to be three times more than Gove saved by cancelling it a decade ago .

56. Brexit news, and the Society of Motor Manufacturers warned the wonderful new, Boris-negotiated, Sunak-backed Brexit tariffs that begin in January 2024 will be an “existential threat” to the future of car production in the UK, costing at least £106bn in lost revenue. 

57. Meanwhile, in another outstanding bit of Taking Back Control, malignant gonad and 24/7 excuse hamster Iain Duncan Smith now says the Brexit he already claimed he’d done in 2016 and 2019 is now impossible until Biden is ousted from office, because of Irishness or something. 

58. While all this was going on, a report found the Home Office had been (probably illegally) removing people from the country without sufficient evidence, and nothing has improved in the 10 years since the last report found the very same thing. 

59. The report concluded “this is no way to run a government department”.

60. Lee Anderthal – forgive me – Lee Anderson was officially rebuked for breaking MPs rules cos he used parliamentary property to promote his hilarious – although not intentionally so – TV series .

61. And all of this – Rwanda, that gobshite Anderson, the defence of Johnson, undermining courts and parliament – is simply to satisfy the whims and desires of mythical Red Wall voters.

62. And it’s going so well that Labour now has twice as many votes as Tories in Red Wall seats 

On Thursday my 5⭐️ first book, The Decade In Tory, is released on audiobook (see Amazon etc)

And the sequel is currently being prepped by lawyers, but you can order it here, if you’re looking for something heavy and flammable to hurl from the barricades

Four Chancellors and a FuneralThe sequel nobody wants. After a decade of the Tories, could it get any worse? Spoiler – it does.