The week in Tory…and what a week!

Warning: contains strong language and adult humour!

Here we go… 

1. Let’s start with PartyGate, and joyless claymation ethics droid Rishi Sunak decided to sue his own inquiry for having the temerity to ask to see the things he always said it could see.

2. He said he wouldn’t hand over WhatsApp messages that are “unambiguously irrelevant” .

3. The Inquiry said only they could judge what’s relevant.

4. The government said they’d already judged, and the Inquiry could trust them, honestly.

5. The Inquiry “said no way, dude, hand them over”.

6. So the government said, “what messages? We haven’t even seen them, guv” .

7. So the Inquiry showed Schrodinger’s Twat Rishi Sunak the bit in their terms where he’d said they had to right to see everything.

8. So the government asked for a Judicial Review.

9. It is 2 months since the government said it wanted to abolish Judicial Reviews. 

10. The Lord Chief Justice said the government couldn’t possibly win the case.

11. So Sunak decided to go ahead regardless, at a cost of at least £100,000.

12. Then, essentially just to annoy Sunak, Boris Johnson said the Inquiry could have all his WhatsApp messages anyway.

13. But it turns out these are only the messages sent AFTER all his shit decisions had been made.

14. He said the rest were on a phone that’s too much of a security risk to switch on.

15. GCHQ called bullshit, and said there is no risk whatsoever in turning the old phone on. 

16. This week: reports of yet more illegal parties, this time at Chequers.

17. You need a heart of stone not to laugh your tits off when you discover this only emerged because Johnson wrote it all down in his diaries.

18. And his own legal team saw it, and reported it. 

19. So Johnson sacked his legal team, who had already cost the taxpayer £225,000.

20. And now he needs a new legal team, at a new cost of £1 million.

21. If you or I earn more than £12,475, we can’t get legal aid.

22. Fat Malfoy earned £6m this year. 

23. It was also revealed he’d lost us at least £10bn by chaotically scrawling a vital Australian trade deal on a scrap of paper in the toilet.

24. The deal prevents us from selling beef to Oz.

25. But Oz can sell beef to us.

26. Australia said he had “given away the kingdom” .

27. Johnson demanded London’s Labour mayor “commits to keeping Uxbridge Police Station open”.

28. Uxbridge is one of 60 stations that Boris Johnson announced the closure of, back when he was merely Witless Dickington, the pussy-bothering Mayor of London. 

29. Democracy news, and the govt lost a parliamentary vote on their iffy Public Order Bill.

30. So for the first time in our entire national history, they simply ignored parliament, and inserted the overturned law into another bill, bypassing democracy entirely. Kewl. Kewl.. 

31. The 40 hospitals we were promised would open in 2030 won’t start to be built until 2033.

32. And there’ll only be 6 of them.

33. Steve Barclay, an explosion in a nothing factory, said work had begun on improvements to 2 London hospitals. .

34. The hospitals said they were unaware of any work. Or of Steve Barclay, the nonentity’s nonentity.

35. Barclay also indefinitely delayed his plan for increasing the NHS workforce due to “various things that have been happening in recent years”.

36. For example, his own government. 

37. After 5 years, research shows the 2-child cap on benefits has not reduced birth-rates or pushed people into employment.

38. But it has pushed over 1.5 million kids into poverty.

39. And this week research showed Universal Credit pushed an additional 600,000 kids into poverty. 

40. Top over-achiever Suella Braverman, aka Chinchilla the Hun, doubled her disapproval rating in a single week after attempting to avoid the consequences of speeding.

41. Three other Tory MPs from her dept were also found to have illicitly claimed driving fines on expenses .

42. She announced a new policy to deter foreign students.

43. Foreign students add £41.9bn a year to the economy.

44. Universities warned their funding model is “broken” and will collapse entirely if we lose another £41.9bn just to be horrid to foreigners. 

45. Braverman promised immigration below 200,000.

46. It exceeded 600,000.

47. So Robert Jenrick said counting immigrants was now “not particularly helpful”.

48. But Sunak continued counting anyway, and said his small boats plan was starting to work, cos crossings are down 20 per cent.

49. But all crossings in the whole of Europe are down 30 per cent due to bad weather, so we’re actually 10 per cent up.

50. Suella Braverman told MPs the asylum backlog is down 10,000

51. The asylum backlog is actually up 17,000.

52. She refused to correct her statement to MPs.

53. When in 2019 the govt refused permanent right to remain for 141,000 EU nationals living long-term in the UK, the Tories promised they wouldn’t ever be charged for using the NHS.

54. This week, bills were sent out charging them for using the NHS .

55. Over 53 per cent of the UK now wants a closer relationship with the EU.

56. Only 14 per cent want more Brexit.

57. Sunak said he wanted to reduce immigration, and not give a pay rise to teachers.

58. Same week, he announced a policy of wooing foreign teachers to move here for a £10k pay rise. 

59. Sunak supported an anti-trans speech, saying “We mustn’t allow a small but vocal few to shut down discussion”.

60. It is 2 weeks since his govt blacklisted a high-ranking weapons expert from giving important military advice because he’d once tweeted “bloody Tories”. 

61. Matt Hancock, aka The Dim Reaper, a quasi-sentient teaspoon who accidentally became health minister, was forced to apologise for breaking lobbying rules.

62. And Bob Stewart was charged with racially aggravated abuse. 

63. The government’s sewage taskforce has only met once in a year.

64. And the housing taskforce hasn’t met AT ALL for over a year.

65. This may be related to warnings from housebuilders – 20 per cent of Tory donations – that they don’t want the housing market to be fixed at all, thanks. 

66. At the current rate it will take 4700 years to build enough windfarms.

67. So the government reiterated its ban on large-scale onshore windfarms.

68. Then Sunak took a £38k helicopter trip for a 64 mile journey that would have cost £30 on the train.

69. On World Environment Day. 

70. Then he took a helicopter on a 2 mile journey to visit a man who had donated £50k to the Tories.

71. Off to Washington, where Sunak confirmed there are still no plans to even discuss the trade deal he’d absolutely guaranteed us we’d have when he was campaigning for Brexit. 

72. Instead, Sunak announced an infinitely meaningless “Atlantic Declaration”, a one-directional love-in with USA, which was so important that Biden couldn’t even be bothered to stay for the announcement.

73. US economist Larry Summers said Brexit was a “historic economic error”.

74. He’s right: UK factories blamed Brexit for their 16th consecutive month of falling exports.

75. In March the government cut social care funding by £500m.

76. So this week the government asked for an “army” of volunteers to do social care instead, for free, doing 170,000 hours per week. 

77. Tech-bro Sunak announced he wants the UK, which has no large-scale AI businesses, to become the global centre of oversight for AI legislation.

78. He seemingly didn’t notice the USA and EU already signed an agreement about that in January. 

79. Nadine Dorries, a beef-witted, one-woman riot of idiocy, went on TV to say “the last thing I would want to do would be to cause a by-election in my constituency”.

80. Four hours later, she resigned with immediate effect, causing a by-election in her constituency.

81. This is because she hoped to become a peer as part of Horny Honey Monster Boris Johnson’s resignation honours list.

82. Except she wasn’t on the list, cos Sunak blocked it, so she had a strop.

83. And Johnson didn’t resign, he was pushed out.

84. Also, he has no honour.

85. He also gave a knighthood to Jacob Rees-Mogg, the harrowing result of a Dalek having a bout of hate-sex with a pendulum.

86. JRM tweeted “Brexit allows us to lower food prices”.

87. UK food inflation is at 19%, the highest level since 1977, and the highest in Western Europe. 

88. And a damehood for proven bully Priti Patel, the larval form of Miss Trunchbull.

89. Major news organisations are boycotting the Tory Conference because the Tories have started charging £137 per journalist, just to APPLY to cover it. And the application might be refused. 

90. Equality news, and the North East has slid further into poverty since the Levelling Up agenda was announced.

91. But the government did give £150k Levelling Up grant to a Russian Tory donor who is Putin’s former economic minister, and is worth at least £366m. 

92. And another donor, Crispin Odey, was alleged to have sexually harassed 13 women.

93. And another is involved in a multimillion dollar money laundering investigation.

94. The Nat Inst of Economic Research said Jeremy Hunt’s policies were “engineering a recession” .

95. The IMF said we’d have the deepest recession in the G20 later this year.

96. The OECD predicts we’ll have the highest inflation.

97. And 800 mortgage products were pulled, almost as many as under the drive-by premiership of gawping, blank-eyed calamity-magnet Liz Truss. 

98. So, feeling our pain, the Tories launched a campaign against inheritance tax (which only affects the richest 4%), led by furious gonad Nadhim Zahawi, who was recently sacked for not revealing he’d had to pay over £3m in fines cos he hadn’t declared income.

100. And unexpected people’s champion Prince Harry said the government is at “rock bottom”. Tune in next week to see if he’s right.

Great news! Now you can re-live the nightmare in glorious stereo – The Decade In Tory is out in audiobook on 29 June.

And order my forthcoming sequel, if you dare.

I don’t love all the promo stuff at the end of the thread, but this is how authors make a living. And my dog insists on being fed. Sorry.

It’s funny. And if not, you can just hurl it off a barricade.