Brace, brace for the first ‘The Week In Tory’ of 2024.
Also, please read the information at the end, which my publisher insists I add, and which helps to pay for my dog to eat things (other than rotting pigeons he finds on the field). Ta.
1. Boris Johnson, once voted “worst PM ever”, heroically volunteered to fight for his country, or what’s left of it after his premiership.
2. This is the hero who once hid in a fridge to avoid an tricky question from a breakfast TV presenter .
3. Fat Malfoy, who’s ambition was once to be “World King”, now reckons he could make it all the way to Lance Corporal, even though, as Jennifer Arcuri can attest, he’s already done quite a few dishonourable discharges.
4. Liz Truss, who was also once voted “worst PM ever”, and officially the least popular Conservative in history, launched a group called Popular Conservativism to “unite the Tories”.
5. Literally on launch day, her new grouping split into two.
6. It is a stunning return to form.
7. Last year, during her drive-by attack on Downing Street, Margarine Thatcher admitted that the long-promised, absolutely certain post-Brexit trade deal with USA wasn’t even on the cards any more.
8. This week, Sunak, who has also been voted “worst PM ever”, literally gave up trying to agree a long-promised, absolutely certain deal with Canada, too.
9. Which, tragically, brings us to the architect of our brilliant Brexit success, embarrassment’s Lord Frost.
10. He ran a poll that showed the Tories are doing twice as badly in their target seats as in the ones they’re not even trying to win.
11. The Tories responded to this bit of bad news by threatening to throw Frost out of the party for [checks notes] noticing things.
12. Sunak, a PM action figurine fitted with the hair of a Lego Elvis, unveiled his election slogan: “Don’t let Labour put us back to square one”.
13. This is the same man who brought back David Cameron, a thumb with a mouth slit who was PM in square one.
14. It was revealed that Cameron, who, following tradition, was also once voted “worst PM ever”, broke convention by making Michelle Mone a peer without consulting anyone.
15. Despite this, he was so good at consulting that he was paid $1m for 25 days “consulting” with Lex Greensill.
16. Because, yep, this week the lacquered, indolent, glossy-faced polyp’s past turned up, with receipts, as it was revealed Cameron’s dodgy connection with Greensill was still a “matter of interest” in ongoing fraud inquiries.
17. This leaves Theresa May, Vogon Poetry in Motion, as the only “Tory leader once voted worst PM ever” to NOT be involved in a major scandal this week. Maybe she’s on holiday. Check your local wheat-fields.
18. Crown court’s very own Michelle Mone had £75 million in assets frozen, and then her own lawyer demanded an apology from her.
19. And now: Rwanda, which Tories can’t even find on a map, but has somehow become both vitally important, and the most prolonged cat death in history.
20. Brendan Clarke-Smith, a man whose forehead suggests a prodigious depth of bone, resigned so he could vote against the Rwanda deal.
21. He did this because he thought it was important to remove the human rights of 67 million Britons so we could send zero Albanians to Rwanda.
22. Lee Anderthal also resigned to vote against the Rwanda plan.
23. And then neither Anderson or Clarke-Smith voted against the Rwanda plan.
24. And then Anderson asked for his job back.
25. Sunak celebrated winning the simplest part of passing his Rwanda deal by getting all the other parts declared illegal under international law.
26. He said that now he was one step closer to certain failure, the party could finally pull together.
27. Within minutes, Simon Clarke, a mouse-fart made flesh, said Sunak should resign.
28. A poll found there is “no obvious Tory alternative to Sunak”, meaning Clarke began a rebellion to replace Sunak with, presumably, a nobody.
29. Steve Barclay was unavailable for comment.
30. Or perhaps he was. It’s never easy to tell with Barclay, a man so lacking in personality that he failed his Myers-Briggs test. Of all the people appearing in The Week In Tory, Barclay is safest from character assassination, because he was born without one.
32. Simon Clarke said Sunak should be replaced as leader rather than having an election, because the PM “is not listening to what the British people want”.
33. Polls show 73 per cent of British people want an election immediately, and the Tories out.
34. Sunak’s former “senior advisor” – he’s “senior”, and 26 – is now advising the Tories who are trying to overthrow Sunak.
35. So because Sunak is so weak that he could pass as a homeopathic remedy, he had to rely on all the other Tory MPs who hate him to come to his defence.
36. A Tory MP called Clarke “a tosser”.
37. Another told him to “get a f*cking grip”.
38. Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse, said the party was indulging in “facile and divisive self-indulgence”, only 14 years after the rest of us noticed this tendency.
39. Tobias Ellwood described Clarke as “dangerous, reckless and selfish”, which I had long assumed was a minimum requirement to join the party.
40. During a brief and unexpected attack of self-awareness, Clarke said “I am acting alone”.
41. He somehow hadn’t noticed Andrea Jenkyns, a shrieking, glaring, irradiated lemon who reckons she’s secured ten no-confidence letters.
42. Only one letter has been submitted, but I’m surely not alone in doubting the ability of her fellow MPs to write an address correctly.
43. Undeterred, but definitely still turd, Mark Francois, who is as short as two thick planks (and vice versa) then launched an entirely different rebellion that managed to gain support of literally nobody.
44. Brexit news, and it’s all going so spiffingly well that next month all fruit and veg will become even more unaffordable, and we’re going to have to queue for 14 hours in Dover to escape this shit.
45. To make housing cheaper, Sunak’s latest desperate fumble in the policy tombola produced this doozy: a plan to only let British workers buy new houses, which will make houses more expensive, and is also illegal.
46. Research revealed that so many Tory ministers have been sacked in disgrace or resigned in disgust at their own party that their severance payments now cost us almost £1 million in a single year
47. That sum was boosted by Tories “accidentally” making multi-thousand pound severance payments to people who aren’t even eligible for them, such as recently-sacked alfresco genitalia enthusiast Peter Bone.
48. Amazingly, Bone’s girlfriend has been selected to replace him as constituency MP.
49. The Tories also gave money “by mistake” to Nadine Dorries, a beef-witted, one-woman riot of idiocy, who this week managed to get herself sacked as in-house Boris-fluffer at TalkTV.
50. Nadine’s absence has left a vacancy for Westminster Village Idiot, and in rushed Lucy Frazer, who said her evidence that BBC news is biased is that she she thought it was biased, even though there wasn’t any evidence.
51. Wriggling free from the man with the big net, Frazer explained that “a mistaken perception” is exactly the same as evidence.
52. Huw Merriman, whose name I didn’t just invent, said his evidence of biased BBC news was down to the presenter of Art Attack from 1990 to 2007.
53. On a roll, or maybe crack, he then advanced his self-fulfilling theory that the BBC must be biased against the idiots in government because BBC political satire often mocked the idiots in government.
54. Being charitable, perhaps all of this was just an elaborate pitch by Merriman to write their scripts after he inevitably loses his job later this year. He sounds like a natural.
55. In a vain effort to prevent the nailed-on certainty of electoral wipe-out, this week the party that wants to remove rights from migrants began employing somebody to persuade the 2.2 million Brits who have migrated abroad to vote Tory.
56. Green news, the Tories voted to allow more gas and oil to be extracted, to reduce fuel bills.
57. Then they admitted this wouldn’t reduce fuel bills.
58. Then they said they’re committed to Net Zero.
59. And then they suggested paying power companies to burn trees instead.
60. Sunak’s solution for childcare, described as a “vote winner”, is now officially “undeliverable” because of Tory funding cuts to social care.
61. Same week, the Tory chairman promised two more tax cuts for wealthier people, paid for by reductions in social care funding.
62. So now, only 1 in 14 voters trust the Tories on their vote-winning childcare policy.
63. And only 20% plan to vote Tory, which aligns perfectly with this week’s shock news that only 20% of Sunak’s absolutely guaranteed policy promises have actually been done.
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